Dramione fic Suckage, Anyone?
by Psychoanalysis
Summary: So basically, if you're ever interested in the world of Dramione fickage, then come HERE for instructions. WHOOO SUCKAGE.


**HELLO AND WELCOME**

and be prepared to be attacked by giant turkeys!

First off, I'd like to start this tutorial with a few words: peanut, chicken lip, cow chip bingo, apples.  
Wait--I want apples! Mine! Mine! -Twitches-

Draco: Can we get on with this already? It's sick enough that ANOTHER creepy teenage writer is trying to put me and Hermione together.

Hermione: Gee, thanks. And it's 'Hermione and I,' by the way.

Draco: Sor-_ry._ -Mutters- Stupid know-it-all.

Hermione: What did you just call me?

Ginny: Hermione, chill. He's an asshole. Let him be an asshole.

Hermione: calms down

Thank you.  
Whoo, back to me now. Because I am awesome.  
So, you want to know how to write a Dramione fanfic?

Hermione and Draco: NO.

Too bad.

Harry: HAHAHAHA, SUCKS for you, Hermione!

Hermione: What are _you _laughing at? I could try and convince the author to make a "How to Write a Draco-Harry Slash Fanfic" thingy.

Harry: Oh no you wouldn't!

Not a bad idea.

Draco: If you do, I'll murder you in your sleep.

Hermione: Not that you can get into the Gryffindor Common Room, let alone the girl's dorm.

Draco: Yeah, I can, in the next Dramione fic we're in together.

Hermione: I'll murder you first.

Ginny: GUYS. STFU. Jeez.

Thank you, Ginny.  
Okay, first things first: THE GROUND RULES

Sound effects: Dun dun DUN!

Yeah, bitches. Ground rules.

Draco: Oh, shit.

Cackles evilly  
Okay, rule number one: MAKE DRACO EITHER EMO, MISGUIDED, OR LOST.

Lavender: Or all of the above.

Hermione: When the hell did you get here?

Lavender: Did you just SWEAR?

Hermione: Um...yes.

Lavender: -Gapes in shock-

Hermione: Um, Lavender...it's not really all that amazing.

Lavender: -Is still gaping-

Okay, back to me now.

Draco: Attention whore.

Yep.  
So back to the rules. Draco HAS to be either emo, misguided, or lost.

Draco: Why? Why can't Harry be the emo one?

Because he already is.

Harry: No I'm not!

Yes you are. Get over it.  
Anyways, Draco has to be emo/misguided/lost/whatever because then he has the opportunity to break down in front of Hermione, preferably while they're locked in dungeon, cage, or cell together.

Draco: Hey! I'm not that weak!

Shut up, Draco. This is so that Hermione can see the softer side of him and fall in LOOOOOOOVE.

Hermione: I think I'm about to be sick.

Trust me, you'll love him by the end of this.

Hermione and Draco: WHY?

Hermione: You sick, evil person!

Draco: Attention whore!

Ginny: What's that got to do with anything?

Because I am the author, bitches. I have poetic lisence.

Draco: Where? I want to see proof. PROOF, woman!

Okay, fine. Here it is.

Hermione: That doesn't look authentic.

It is. I got it from the DMV when I went to go test for my lisence.

Draco, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender: THEY LET YOU LOOSE ON THE ROADS?

Uh, yeah. A while ago, actually.

Harry: What are they, insane?

Yeah. Have you ever been to an American DMV?

Harry: No.

Exactly.  
Okay. Back to the rules.  
Rule #2: ALWAYS INCLUDE SOME ANCIENT CURSE, SPELL, OR PROPHECY.

Ginny: Ew, why? That's so...cliche.

Hermione: I think that's the point, Gin.

Yeah, it is. An ancient curse/spell/prophecy just gurantees that Hermione and Draco will fall in love. Duh.

Draco: The only curse going on here is the one I'm going to put on you after you--

Psh, you can't curse me. Poetic lisense, remember?

Draco: Screw you.

No thanks.

Pansy: _I'll_ screw you, Draco.

Draco: Where the hell did you come from?

I brought her here to keep you company, Drakie-poo!

Harry: Now that's just plain weird.

Oh, you're going to love my next rule, Harry.

Harry: Oh shit.

Exactly.  
Rule #3: INCLUDE SOME KIND OF SLASH STUFF, LIKE DRACO/HARRY, RON/HARRY, SNAPE/HARRY--

Hermione: Did you just--

Ginny: She did.

Harry: -Is horribly sick-

Screw you, I have to clean that up now.

Draco: I think you've just given me enough nightmares for a month.

Good. My life is complete.  
Rule #4: MAKE 450983498 GUYS ALSO IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE

Who's the attention whore now?

Draco: You still are.

STFU.

Draco: MAKE ME.

Make YOUR MOM make me. Ohhhh!

Ginny: I think you just got owned, Draco.

Draco: DID NOT.

Lavender: YOUR MOM did not.

Draco: Would you please leave my mother out of this?

Harry, Hermione, Lavender, Pansy, Ginny: MAKE US.

Okay, now my turn.  
See, if you make 354849068 guys in love with Hermione--

Draco: Why? Hermione's just an ugly little bookworm

Hermione: Gee, thanks, Malfoy.

Draco: Anytime, luv.

Harry: How come he calls everyone 'luv'?

Later. Anyways, like I was saying before I was so RUDELY INTURRUPTED--

Draco: Ahem.

--If you make 508435938 guys in love with Hermione, then it causes jealousy for Draco, which makes him want her even more. Plus, it pisses off Ron and Harry, who also usually have crushes on her. Even if they're going out with someome else.

Harry: Ginny, please, for the love of Merlin, never doubt that I love you.

Ginny: Duh.

Ron: Wait, I don't have a crush on Hermione...do I?

Okay, Ron's clueless. Anyways--

Ron: HEY!

Rule number--what number are we on, anyways?

Pansy: Negative three and a half.

I don't think so.

Pansy: Fine, five.

Thank you. Rule #5--ALWAYS USE CUTESY LITTLE NICKNAMES FOR EVERYONE.

Lavender: Why? Then no one knows who's who.

Exactly.

Lavender: But that makes absolutely no sense.

Yeah. And?

Lavender: It just doesn't make any sense.

So who said that fanfics are supposed to make sense?

Draco: YOUR MOM.

Harry, Hermione, Lavender, Pansy, Ginny, Ron: laugh

That wasn't all that funny.

Hermione: Yes it was.

Ginny: You got owned.

Harry: BY A BOOK CHARACTER!

Pansy: By a sexy book character.

Hermione & Ginny: Ew.

Hermione: Legolas is way hotter.

Ginny: Definitly.

Pansy: Hell, no.

Okay, my turn now. Okay? Okay.  
So, nicknames. Want a list? Yes you do.  
HARRY Har, Har-Har, Harold, Harrison, Potty, Potter  
RON Won-won, Ronnikins, Ickle Ronnikins--

Draco: Who calls you that?

Ron: Fred and George, the prats. Why?

Draco: Well, I was going to say that I would hug them, but there's no way in hell that I'm hugging a Weasley.

Ginny: There's no way a Weasley would hug _you_.

Shut up, all of you.  
RON Won-won, Ronnikins, Ickle Ronnikins, Ronald, Ronski--

Harry: Where the hell did you see that?

My Cheerios told me.

Draco: What are Cheerios?

Harry: Muggle breakfast cereal. That send you messages, apparently.

Haven't you seen _Muppets from Space_?

Ron: Isn't that the one where Gonzo--

Ginny: Since when have you seen Muggle movies?

Hermione: Espeically about Muppets?

Ron: -Mutters- The voices made me do it.

Yeah, wonderful.  
HERMIONE Hermy, Herms, Mione, Mio, Mi, Mia, Mi-mi  
GINNY Gin

Ginny: I don't get a list of cool nicknames?

Harry: Be glad.

LAVENDER: Lav-lav, Lavvie, Lavs

Lavender: That's cute...Lavvie...someone call me that.

Dean: Sure.

Lavender: -Squeals-

Dean, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Draco, Pansy: Um...okay...

PANSY Pans  
DRACO Drake, Dray, Drakie, Drakie-poo, Malfoy  
And I think that's it. But hey, you're free to come up with as many as you want. Be my guest.

Dean: No thanks, I'll pass.

Draco: Are we done yet?

No.

Draco: Damn.

Rule #whateverthehellwe'reon: MAKE DRACO SWITCH TO THE LIGHT SIDE.

Draco: WHAT? NO! WHY?

Hermone: Because we have cookies.

Ginny: And they're chocolate chip.

Dean: I thought that was for the dark side.

Hermione, Ginny, Harry, Ron: SHHH!

Draco: What?

Pansy: I love you, Drakie-poo!

Draco: Go play with yourself.

Pansy: Only if you come, too

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Dean, Lavender, Draco: TMI! TMI!

Ew. Ew. Ew.  
Who votes that Pansy gets booted off?

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Dean, Lavender, Draco: -raise hands-

Too bad.

All of the above (sans Pansy): WHAAAAAAAAT?

Heh. I'm the author. I get to play God in your lives, suckers. And I say...  
Make Draco swtich to the light side. It makes him cuter, sweeter, happer, and all that shit.

Hermione: Did she just say...

Harry: Yeah, she did.

Ron: Sandwich?

Ginny: Go away, Ron.

Ron: Don't get mad, get Glad!

Draco: Are you done yet?

Um...maybe.

Draco & Hermione: THANK GOD.

I mean with the rules, dumbasses.

Draco: Damn.

Hermione: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

Draco: -mutters- Be an insufferable know-it-all.

Well, I _was_ going to do an example...

Draco, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Lavender, Dean, Pansy, Ginny: Don't do it! Don't do it! DON'T DO IT!

Yeah, I think I will.

Draco: Oh shit.

Hermione: I second that.

* * *

_**LOVING YOU LIKE I LOVED MY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH IN THE SECOND GRADE**_

One day in their seventh year, Draco Malfoy decided that Hermoine Granger was really pretty and that he wanted to bang her hard.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang, she's HAWT." That's what he said. For reals.

Unfortunately for him, so did all of the other boys at Hogwarts.

"Have you seen that chick Hermione?" one would ask his friend.

"Yah, she's totally smoking," he would reply.

"I totally want to bang her," a third one would say.

Hermoine coudln't escape it, even from her roommates.

"Damn, Hermione, you grew up this summer," Lavender said.

"Yeah. You grew boobs," Pavarti added.

"Um, thanks for noticing. I think," Hermione said.

"No problem," Lavender replied as she changed into her designer pink PJ bottoms.

In the boy's dorm, Hermoine was a popular topic of discussion.

"Dang, did you check out that new foreign exchange studnet?" Seamus asked his roommates, Neville, Dean, Harry, and Ron.

"What new foreign exchange student?" asked Harry.

"What d'you mean, what new foreign exchange student? You both were hanging out with her. Calling her something like Mi or Mi-mi or Mia--"

"OH! Hermone!" Harry exclaimed.

"That was Hermione?" Seamus asked in surprise.

"Duh," Ron said. "No other girls would come withing a 10-ft radius of us."

"Good point," said Seamus.

"Do any of you think that I have a chance with her?" asked Neville.

They all shook their heads. "She's MINE, bitches!" Ron yelled.

"No, she's MINE!'

"MINE!"

"MINE!'

So basically, they all get into a macho chick fight over Hermione. Moving on.

Meanwhile:

"Hey Draco," Blaise said. "You and Hermone seem attracted to each other."

"What are you smoking?"

Blaise thought. "Well, my dad decided to try and grow this new plant called cannibus something--"

"You idiot, that's marijuana."

"Oh, so THAT'S what it's called."

"Can you get me some?"

"No. Dad wanted to sell it to some Muggles. I don't know why, though."

"Damn."

"DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKIE-POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pansy screamed.

"NO way! Fuck buddy! Whassup?" Draco said as he high-fived her.

Pansy's eyes teared up. "I thought you loved me!"

"Dude, no way. That's lust. There's a difference between lust and love."

"Oh, okay."

There was an awkward silence. "So Draco," Blaise said. "I hear there are some plans to get you and Hermione locked together in some room so that you can secretly lust after each other but not do anything about it since you both htink you hate each other when you really love each other from 7 years of hate-love things."

"Seriously? How much of that stuff have you been smoking?"

"A lot."

"He has weed?" Pansy asked, suddenly interested.

"Yeah, but my dad decided to sell it to the Muggles for some reason," Blaise said bitterly. "Anyways, the point is, Drake, you have to work on your emo/sensitive/whatever side, so that you can have a breakdown infront of Hermione and she can fall not only in lust but in LOVE with you and then you can complete this obnoxiously stupid fanfic and we can all go back to our normal lives, or whatever we do when the authors aren't looking."

"Oh. Okay then. I'd better get started. I'll go owl Har-Har and ask him to give me emo lessons. And in doing so, cause some slashiness between us. And then fall in love with Hermione."

"Yep. Good luck with that."

"Thanks, man."

Meanwhile, in Dumbledoor's office:

"We have to get them locked in a room together, guys," Dumbledoor said to his two favorite teachers, Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape. Who, coincidentally, hated each other.

"Ew. Why?" Snape asked.

"Won't they just kill each other?" McGonagal added.

"I thought you two were in on the Dramione scene," Dumbledoor said.

"No, I only read Anime," Snape said. They both turned to look at him. "What?" he asked.

"I would have put you down as a Power Rangers fan, personally, that's all," McGonagall said.

"Oh. Okay."

"Well, in the Dramione scene, it's our job to come up with some prophecy or spell or curse that binds them together and makes them fall in love. Since we are lazy, the easiest way to go about that is to start talking about a secret prophecy involving them both and lock them in a room together. You in?" Dumbledor asked.

"I'm in," McGonagall said.

"Me too," Sevvy said.

"Cool, let's get started. Wanna lock them in the Room of Requirement?"

"Yeah. I'll brew up some random potion with a long and complex name," Severus offered.

"Good."

Blah blah blah a bunch of guys ask Hermoine out when they fall helplessly and madly in love with her blah blah blah she and Draco hate each other blah blah blah they overhear crap about a prophecy that they odn't know is fake blah blah blah fast forwarding to when they get locked in a room.

Hermione woke up. "Where am I?" she wondered aloud. All she saw around her was a single dorm room, and..."HOLY shit, Draco Malfoy!"

"NO EFFING WAY!1! HERMIONE GRANGER!111!"

"So...what are we doing here?"

"Well, Granger, I think that there's some evil plot to make us fall in love."

"Oh. I thought it was just some prophecy lie and Snape poisoning us or something simple like that."

Draco shrugged. "Could be."

Just then, a song started playing.

"_Got introduced to you by a friend  
You were cute and all that baby you set the trend  
Yes you did oh  
The next thing I know we're down at the cinema  
We're sitting there and you said you loved me  
What's that about?_ "

"What the--" Draco started to say as Hermione started banging her head against the wall.

_"You're moving too fast I don't understand you  
I'm not ready yet baby I can't pretend  
No I can't  
The best I can do is tell you to talk to me  
It's possible eventual  
Love will find a way  
Love will find a way..."_

_"_Hey, Granger," Draco said. "Love will find a way."

"No, no no no nonononononono..." Hermione moaned. Draco laughed. "Haha, sucker!" he said.

_"Don't say you love me  
You don't even know me  
If you really want me  
Then give me some time  
Don't go there baby  
Not before I'm ready  
Don't say your heart's in a hurry  
It's not like we're gonna get married  
Give me, give me some time"_

_"_This song is kinda catchy, actually," Draco said. "Woudln't you agree, Granger?"

"Would you both just shut up and make out already!" a voice called out that sounded suspiciously like Snape's.

"No."

"No."

"Too bad. MAKE OUT OR 5003453890 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR _AND_ SLYTHERIN!"

And that, my friends, is how you make a suck-ass Dramione fic.

_-By the way, the song is called "Don't Say You Love Me" and it's by M2M. You may have listen to them back in like fifth grade, or whenever 2002 was. Just clearing that up. I don't want to get arrested.-_

_Disclaimer the sequel: I do not happen to own Harry Potter. Because then my name would be JK Rowling and I'd be too busy trying to fight off the stalkeratzi to create crappy suck-ass fanfics for it. Thank you._


End file.
